Dosing diary 7/2/19 Evening edition

Good evening! Tonight’s last dose is….

2 teaspoons of Red Maeng Da, 2 teaspoons of Red Bali and 1 teaspoon of Elephant kratom.

I’m feeling a little more human than I did earlier. I’ve just been keeping to myself and not going out of my way to talk to anyone since the time that I was making dinner except for Joe.

I’ve been keeping busy working on a project that’s been on the back burner for a while… making small granny squares out of leftover sock yarn to make something out of those. I decided to use those for my shrug. The yarn colors are mostly blue/purple/red so they sort of go together. The problem is that I have tons of ends to weave in so I’m watching movies (just finished ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’) while weaving in ends and joining some together. I have 3 stages to this project… single squares, squares that have a partner and larger parts that have more than 4 squares that are finished (ends woven in) and ready to become something larger. I’m also making new squares out of newer-ish yarn when I see that I have too many of the same color squares left. If I’m feeling like it, I’ll take pics of the different stages.

Good night and thank you for reading!

Food diary 7/2/19 Dinner!

Good afternoon! Today, for dinner, I had….

2 pork chops, mashed potatoes, steamed bok choy and green beans. I also had 2 pieces of lemon cake for dessert.

The bok choy was actually very good. I just steamed it in a pot, stems first, then the greens. I shouldn’t have done it as long as I did because they were a little mushy but the taste was something I’d like to have often. I tried some raw and it even tastes good that way too. I still have half of the stalk left but when I run out of it, I’ll definitely get more.

I’m feeling a little better but not by much. I still feel a little anger here and there but I’m trying to let go of it the best I can. So far, I’m not succeeding too well.

Joe asked for a depression cake (aka Chocolate Crazy Cake), so called because it uses no butter, milk or eggs but tastes really good. Anyway, he requested that I make that for his birthday that’s coming up later this week. I’m going to make his favorite meal too… lasagna so he has a day of favorites. I feel bad that I can’t create something wonderful and yarny for a gift for him but I”m out of ideas other than socks and I need to create a pair for him for Christmas. I need to get moving on dyeing the yarn for his socks too.

I know… it’s the thought that counts and it really does but I just for once wish that I could give him something that will be useful on a daily basis, something that will end up getting worn out because it’s so useful and well made enough that it’s something that will last him the rest of his life. A girl can dream, can’t she?

Dosing diary 7/2/19 Afternoon edition

Good afternoon! Today’s 2nd dose is…

1 teaspoon of White Maeng Da, 1 1/2 teaspoons of Red Maeng Da and 1/2 teaspoon of Elephant kratom.

I’m not doing too well right now. I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety right now and I’m still fighting depression. It’s been an aggravating afternoon, between the Rooter guys coming to replace that pile to the animals freaking out because of the thunderstorm that’s been hanging around for the past hour to the dog barking at the thunder and the guys in the back yard and the heat and humidity and the non stop complaining from Joe’s Mom (okay, not ‘non stop’ but it was pretty darn close to it)… all of the above are causing my head to pound and I feel like I want to run away from all this just to have some peace and quiet inside my own head. I’m just at my limit for now.

I’m hoping that the kratom will help me gear down and stop the anxiety that’s screaming in my ears and the depression that’s whispering in the inside if my head, telling me that I’m worthless, my feelings aren’t worth anything and that I’m a bad person. It’s hard for me to stay positive minded when someone is complaining about just about everything because it’s so easy for me to get into a negative frame of mind.

I’m going to end it here. I’ve been trying to write more but it all just comes out as one big long bitch about stuff that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to go have a good cry and then go make dinner…

Food diary 7/2/19 Lunch!

Good afternoon! Today, Joe’s Mom and I went out to lunch since we had time to do so while waiting for the allergist’s office. I had the Wild Fire Salad with grilled chicken and a sweat tea. By the time we got home, I as hungry again so I had a PB&J on whole wheat bread.

Tonight, dinner will be leftover pork chops with mashed potatoes and Joe’s Mom already asked for oats so I don’t have to do anything fancy for dinner. I’ll cook the bok choy for myself… I’m unsure how I want to make it. I’ve heard that fresh is awesome as it has a mild taste. I’ll look around for some recipes.

Stay tuned…

Food diary 7/2/19 Breakfast!

Good morning! Today, for breakfast, I had…

2 pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, iced green tea, assorted vitamins and pain killers on the side.

I was hoping that the pork chops would last for 2 full meals but they didn’t. I guess I was asking a lot and those chops were on the small side. So, I’ll offer oats to Joe’s Mom or they can have the pork chops and I can have lentil soft tacos or something. I can mix and match all different kinds of ways. I just hate making a whole new meal while there’s enough leftovers for almost a full on meal. Then, I’ll have leftovers for 2 meals and have leftovers from that. It’s easier if I get rid of them the next day. Otherwise I get a repeating pattern that never ends and I waste food.

I ended up having to freeze almost that whole bunch of bananas because they were too soft to use for fresh eating. I might give banana ice cream a try. Or banana pancakes.

Stay tuned…

Dosing diary 7/2/19 Morning edition

Good morning! This morning’s oh so early 1st dose is…

2 teaspoons of White Maeng Da, 2 teaspoons of Green Malay and 1 teaspoon of Elephant kratom.

I”m up early so I can take Joe’s Mom to her heart doctor appointment. This one is important because it’s the first appt, after her heart cath. I’m worried about her because she’s barely been out of bed since she came home and the stent was to help her feel better. It’s hard to tell if she is better because she stays in bed so much and loses any gains she’s made by being active so she has to go back to square one.

The weather this week seems to be changeable. They’re predicting a chance of rain every day this week but the chances aren’t that large so… it’s anyone’s guess. Thankfully though, it’s supposed to cool off a little so at least it’s not in the high 80s/low 90s with impossible heat indexes.

In spite of the fact that I got to bed (rather actually laying down and turning off my light) after 12 midnight, I feel fairly rested. I woke up around 3 am to use the bathroom and realized that I still had 3 hours until I had to get up and I felt relieved. My alarm did wake me up but I pushed it back half an hour and got up at 6:30 instead. I need time after I wake up initially to fully be awake and active before I interact with other beings, otherwise, I can be unpleasant and emotional. I honestly don’t like that about me but I can’t change it… all I can do is deal with it. It’s like the connection between my mouth and my brain isn’t quite there when I”m still sleepy. This is why I prefer to get up when no one else is up and/or in the kitchen when I get up. This way, I can drink my kratom and get my breakfast without anyone taking me by surprise or irritating me (or me irritating them… that can go both ways).

And I know for a fact that the above behavior is directly linked to my father. When I was a kid, my father was grumpy and irritable most of the time and especially towards my brother and I and would usually verbally accost us in the kitchen. I learned at a young age to not be in the kitchen when he came in. It got to the point that, for some time, I kept instant tea and sugar in my room (I was very clean about it… I didn’t want bugs in my room) along with a glass and got water from the bathroom across the hall from me and stayed in my room a lot, just to avoid him. That same feeling of needing to avoid everyone is still with me to this day. Some things just stick with ya….

Stay tuned….