Feeling able to talk about a difficult topic….

April 25th, I lost one of the best animal friends I’ve ever had. It’s taken me a while to find it in me to write about it. I guess that’s how deep the pain can go sometimes. Although, oddly, I haven’t cried (yet). I guess the Lexapro is working.

Hershey, my sweet male cat came to us on January 22nd, 2010, wandering into the garage to find food. He was a small ball of black fluff with no tail, his hind end swollen. We took him to the vet and got him treated for whatever was going on with him. We left him overnight and later, the clinic called us back to say that the kitten had spina bifita (not sure if I’m spelling that correctly) and that he’d be incontinent for the rest of his life and that he could die suddenly. They offered to put him down humanely if I didn’t want him but I had already fallen in love with the little furball so I told them that I’d take care of him.

The first few months weren’t great but I still took care of him, diapering him when he was out of my room and trying to get him to use the litter box that had been put there for his use. Finally, after a few months, he started using the litter box flawlessly. I really breathed a sigh of relief on that one. By then, I was totally enthralled with Hershey, named because he was black and very sweet, like chocolate (okay, like really dark chocolate….).

He was my companion, hanging out with me when he wasn’t running around with his housemate kitties. He made friends with Ethan kitty, who we lost last year to old age. They spent a lot of time together, climbing the cat tree, running up and down the stairs and being underfoot, as cats tend to do. Slowly, one by one, we lost one after another to disease and old age. Some, we had to give them a little help in crossing the rainbow, others found their own way.

Towards the end of Hershey’s life, he became a more constant companion to me, sleeping on my bed all the time. When he wasn’t sleeping, he was asking for attention. Since I’ve been home, he had turned into a velcro cat, in my lap, on my shoulder, next to me…. seems to always want to be touching me. I tried to give him as much love and attention as I could, knowing that he wasn’t getting any younger and that I needed to ‘drink in’ as much of him as I could, the feeling of his fur, the way he always looked at me…..

Late morning on the 25th, Joe saw Hershey in the hallway, panting and salivating. Joe called in to Shawnee Animal Clinic for an emergency, Joe brought up the carrier and I picked Hershey up and put him in. He didn’t fight so I knew he was feeing seriously bad. He only let out one loud meow and was silent for the rest of the ride. Thankfully, we had one of the vets that regularly takes care of our animals. They did an xray of his head and she came to one of 2 conclusions….. either he had a really bad sinus infection or he had a tumor. Sadly, he was too far gone and she called me back a couple of hours later to tell me that he had passed away. I made it clear to her that I didn’t blame her in the slightest and even thanked her for trying to save him. Hershey was 14 years old and not in good health near the end. I requested that he be cremated.

We picked him up the next day. They snipped a bit of his fur and put it in a small bottle and took a foot print impression for us, in addition to his cremains, which they put in a little urn. I had the option of just adding his remains to other animals that needed to be cremated and then the ashes would be spread at Dr. Angie’s farm (one of the vets that works there).

Since he’s been gone, I feel such a large…… hole in my heart and in my life and it hurts so much that I can’t cry. I know that sounds weird but it’s true.

Hershey is on the right, Ethan is on the left.

It seems like every animal that I’ve ever bonded closely with was one that chose me first. Like they were just hanging out, waiting for me to come along and rescue them. Or…. they were waiting to rescue me. Even though we still have 3 cats (RJ, Callie and Tessa), none of them can take the place of my Boo Bebez.

On the health front, Hershey’s passing has got me into a rut of sorts. Although, I am getting up at 10 am to take my meds and I feel better for it…… I just can’t manage to stay up and usually go back to bed until at least noon. I haven’t started any garden stuff, sadly enough. I got my seeds from Baker Creek…. they do heirloom seeds and I got a few packages of seeds…. lovage, butternut squash that has a bushy habit, Thai basil and kohlrabi. I got a free gift of some red lettuce seeds so I’m happy about that.

Overall, I’m not doing as well as I’d hope to be doing but the getting up at 10 am to take my meds is an improvement so I’m not going to complain too much.

Thank for getting through this painful blog post and for hanging out with me for this short time. See ya later!!

It’s spring… no, it’s summer…. no, it’s spring…..

Here in NE KY, the weather can’t decide if it’s summer or if we’re still in the “spring” of things. We had a few days of near 90 degree temps and I see that we’re heading for some cooler weather in a few days. As per usual, changing temps is something that I can’t deal with with any amount of grace so I’ve been extra sleepy/sleeping and I’m still recovering from Monday’s trip to Wally World. Yesterday, Joe opened up my bedroom window, the kitchen window and both the front door and the back to get some air flow in the house. I know it’s too early for the AC so I’m 100% for the opening of such things. I do dread the summer with the high dew point temps. The past 3 summers, I’ve suffered through those, barely going outside.

I haven’t started anything ‘gardeney’ but maybe tomorrow if I’m feeling more….. energetic. To my credit, I did get up at 12:30 pm so I’m making progress….. little by little, I’ll get there. Speaking of garden, I found something odd and cool while cutting up a tomato…. it was growing baby tomato plants!!!! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen that up close. Yeah, I’m the 61 year old woman with the heart of an 8 year old tom boy with ADD. I find things like that to be incredibly interesting and fascinating.

Anyway, going back to gardening and those baby tomato plants…… I’m hoping that the last tomato that I have (that I bought from Walmart) has the same behavior. If it does, I’m going to plant them and see if they take off. I had wanted to get tomato plants on Monday but we got to the store too late (the gardening center was closed) but I told Joe that I wanted to go early the next time so I could see if they had any herb plants. I’m hoping that they have some spearmint and lemon balm plants for sale.

I’m glad that I’m giving myself a pass today to do little to nothing. I haven’t been able to sleep well the past 4 nights, only getting to sleep after 7 am and only sleeping solidly from 9 am to around 1 pm. I think it’s because of the warmer weather. It’ll be cooling off tomorrow so it won’t be horrible. Even though it’s 80 degrees out now, it feels cooler in here with the window open….. there’s a nice breeze blowing.

On the health front, I haven’t noticed any problems with my breathing, as far as the warmer weather goes. I have noticed though, that my legs did swell up a bit when I wear socks (the diabetic ones with the elastic). I’m not horribly worried about that but I am keeping an eye on it in case it gets worse. I might have to start taking more LASIX. I usually go without my oxygen if I’m walking around a lot, mostly because the my oxygen line ends up either tripping me up or Joe. Plus, I don’t want the cats to get the idea that the line is a play thing. I’ve already had to replace a nasal canula because it sprung a leak that I couldn’t solve with duct tape. I do have my own pulse/ox monitor that I use just about every day, just to make sure that I’m staying within the 85/90 range for my oxygen saturation. Sometimes, it creeps up on me. And for those who don’t know, I have pulmonary hypertension, cirrhosis of the liver, a touch of emphysema…. that’s all I can think of at the moment.

I guess that’s all for now. I need to go heat up dinner…. we’re having leftover meatballs and mashed potatoes.

Later!!!

Ch-ch-ch-changes……..

Since last year, I’ve been experiencing a lot of chainges in my body. I’m not sure if they’re due to just getting older or if they’re new symptoms of something going wrong with me (again). For a while, I thought I’d have to wear a wig because every time I brushed my hair, I’d come away with a big wad of hair but now, it seems to be stopping (sort of). I’m tired all the time and I’m still struggling with getting up at a humane hour of the morning. But, I am making myself get up to to take my meds earlier. Today, I managed to take them around 12:30 pm but I didn’t get out of bed until after 3 pm. I also feel dizzy at times. I hope to be taking meds by 10 am and getting up at the same time soon.

It’s funny that, not so long ago, I can remember being able to move fairly fast and be able to do a lot more than I do now. I think I need to accept that I am sick, my body doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to and I need to act accordingly. I just need to accept that I have a chronic condition that there’s no cure for and that I’ll probably die from it getting worse.

I’m still working on my posture and I think it’s getting better. I just need to lay down in the middle of the day to give my back a rest…. if I don’t, I end up in pain and hunched over in the evenings. I’ve been too tired to use the treadmill the past few days but, if all goes according to plan tomorrow, I’ll be up and around no later than 11 am. I want to establish a sustainable routine that I’m comfortable with and won’t make me feel like an invalid (I hate that word). But again, taking into account the state of my health and the condition of my body, I need to give myself time to rest and destress.

I’ve been contemplating writing an old friend of mine from when I lived in Ohio. We didn’t part on the best of terms and seeing as I do have a chronic condition that could turn fatal, I suddenly feel the need to reach out to old friends and people far from me to just basically apologize for the things I did wrong in the past and try to reconnect with them. My old friend and I met way back in the early 80’s when I first started working at the cafeteria in the Rose Building on East 9th St and Prospect Ave in downtown Cleveland. I’ve had the privilege of ‘clicking’ with people over the years and she’s one of them. Over the years, we’ve gone without seeing each other for years and coming back together like nothing ever happened and I hope that happens this time around too.

I hate that she lives so far away and that I need to have oxygen available to me most of the time. I can and have gone without it for more than 8 hours at a time but the idea of me just picking up and taking a road trip to NE Ohio just isn’t in the cards for me. That goes for just about anywhere. At the moment, Joe and I are more or less ‘hermitting’ with the exception of our weekly trip to Wally World. For the most part, I don’t mind being housebound….. it’s only when I think of things like the sheep and fiber festival or going to see another Def Leppard concert that I feel bad. But….. when I think about how long it takes to get to either one of those events, the amount of walking and….. the people……. yeah, I’ll stay home.

Going back to the changes in my body….. I’ve lost so much water bloat that my legs are wrinkled. As are my arms and hands. I don’t mean the kind of wrinkles that come with being like 100 years old but it’s enough for me to notice. Lotion only does so much……. Before I got into the hospital, I had gotten cellulitis infections on both my legs, the left one being the worst. Sadly, my fire and water ying yang tattoo will never be the same as it was caught up in the site of the infection (just on the edge but still…..). Even now, the area where the infection was still feels warm to the touch (at least to me, it does). And no, I’ve had this tattoo for a long time so that didn’t cause it. One weird thing was that it’s almost like I had an overgrowth of skin on my legs and it took me forever to get all to slough off. I’m not sure what that was from. For a while, I had it on my back too. Weird……

Another thing that has changed for me is my feet/toe nails. I used to have fairly nice looking feet. Nice straight toes with nice straight toe nails. Since I’ve been sick, they’ve gotten all wavy and curly and folded. I had to have Joe cut them for me while I was hospitalized because they were digging into my skin. I haven’t been able to figure out why that (the toe nail thing) happened but I guess it really doesn’t matter.

I guess I’ve run out of things to write for now. wish me luck on writing my friend, getting my new-to-me routine established and just getting up before noon…… I’ll need it!! Laters…….

Making progress…..

I succeeded in refilling my prescriptions on line a short time ago!!! I’m so pleased with myself…. over such a small yet important task. I know it probably doesn’t sound huge to most people but to me, it was monstrously huge to me. Especially when there’s a way to do something and I can’t get it to work, like the on line prescription refill that I tried last night. Last night, I was trying to do all the prescriptions at once instead of one at a time. Once I figured that out, I was solid.

I also think I’m making progress on sleeping too. For the 2nd night in a row, I slept fairly well. I think the key is being as active as I can during the day (within reason) and not sitting in bed, watching movies all evening. I might have to break out the heating pad for my upper back as I’m having serious issues with it getting cold and stiffening up on me. It doesn’t seem to matter how many shirts/sweaters I wear, it’ll get stiff and painful so I have to start thinking like Joe’s Mom (she used a heating pad all the time). For the moment, I feel pretty good for the health that I’m in at the moment. A bit tired but then, I think I was born tired.

I’m also cooking dinner tonight. BBQ chicken thighs with gnocci and some kind of veggie (probably leftover cauliflower and broccoli from last night). We rely heavily on Hamburger Helper since I’ve been home and Joe cooks that (I help by cooking more pasta to extend the HH) and beans/rice and eggs. When I was in the hospital, I used to get 1 hard boiled egg, a slice of whole wheat bread, mayonnaise and make myself a lazy egg salad sandwich for breakfast, yogurt on the side. So, I keep hard boiled eggs on hand most of the time for breakfast, of which I had today, and if we’re ‘fending for ourselves’ for dinner, I either make a scrambled egg sandwich, quesadilla if there’s some kind of leftover meat in the fridge or canned soup with a cheese sandwich. We only ‘fend’ when we’re out of ideas for cooking dinner or just don’t feel like cooking.

I haven’t given myself any time to paint since I’ve been home. I’m sad about that, especially since Joe gave me gouache paints (I asked for them). I haven’t even swatched them yet. Maybe I should give myself that time tomorrow. I’m reserving tonight for going out to get my prescriptions. I know i could just dive into my paints after we get home but I’m honestly trying to not do too much at a time. I’m already tired and I haven’t gotten to dinner yet. Going out to get the scripts will do me in for the night.

That said. time to cook the chicken!!!

Some things just can’t be simple….

I made an effort to refill my soon-to-be-gone meds on line today. Sounds easy enough, right?? I kept on getting error messages and to try again later. So I waited, tried again. Same result. I logged off, logged back in, same result. So, I gave up for the night, too frustrated to give it another try. I’ll just call the number and do it over the phone. I took the time to write down all the RX numbers so I can just either plug them into the phone or say them to a pharm tech.

I had a sort of progress today. I got up aorund noon today. But, I fell back to sleep to get away from my back pain and ended up dozing off while watching Ancient Aliens (my guilty pleasure). I watch that to get to sleep, mostly because there’s little to no change in volume (unlike an action movie with all the booms and crashes…..) and for some reason, the narrarator’s voice is sort of soothing…. sort of. I did get up, help Joe make dinner (fish sticks, mac and cheese with cauliflower and broccoli).

I also went downstairs twice to get stuff and did a lot of walking around. Joe helped me by washing my clothes for me and tomorrow, I want to change my bed sheets and my blankets/comforter. I love Hershey but he tends to sneeze all over my bed and definitely leaves his mark. I definitely want to add more exercise to my daily routine, mostly in the way of weights and yoga.

I’ve been having some issues with my back lately, mainly if I stay in one position for too long so I’m trying to get up and walk around if I’ve been sitting too long. That’s helping me with staying active but I find myself getting really tired really fast. I’m hoping that this helps me get into a healthier lifestyle/sleeping schedule. I’m trying to find a gentle yoga work out that focuses on stretching and balance.

I just looked at the weather and it’s not going to be all that warm here in NE KY. I’m not surprized. I’m still going to start my potatoes next week. I don’t need it to be warm for those to take off. So far, I want to grow bush beans, herbs like lemon balm, thyme, basil, oregano, leafy greens like swiss chard, lettuces and kale, zucchini, maybe some corn, winter squash and pole beans in a 3 Sisters grouping. I also want to grow lovage. It’s an perenial herb that tastes like celery and grows to over 5 feet tall. I grew that once when I was living in Cleveland and it was almost weed like so I want to add that to my list of things to grow.

I guess that’s all for tonight. I just wanted to share my frustrations and my sort of progress. Have a good night!!

Trying to get up in the morning is like….

I’ve been going through a tough time getting up in the mornings lately. I feel that it’s a combo of being tired from not sleeping most of the night, depression and just plain wanting to stay in the dreamworld that I leave when I wake up. I’ve been having some strange dreams involving places I used to live and people that I loved and lost. It’s nice to be able to see them again, even if it is in my dreams.

I think the Lexapro is working because my anxiety is little to non-existent but depression feels like a weight on my shoulders lately. I kept on waking up all night last night, needing to pee, needing more water, can’t get comfortable, Hershey moving around and making noise. I love my constant companion to bits but sometimes, his crawling all over me at night is a bit much. Not sleeping the first part of the night is usual for me. I am now and will always be…… a night owl. But even still, I want to get on a regular schedule which includes getting up in the mornings. I’m hoping that I tired myself out enough to do that…… I finally chopped up all the peppers that we got at Walmart. I had 2 bags of older Cubanelle peppers from the last time we were at Walmart and 2 fresher bags from last week’s trip. I’m very proud of myself for getting all that done in one night. Joe got me a veggie chopper type thing and I love it! It took me a while to get the hang of it but now, I’m a veggie chopping fool! The next veggie on my list to chop are onions. After that, I want to make fried potatoes.

The sleeping in thing is really bothering me. The main reason is that getting up late shortens my day quite a bit and I can’t do as much. Like starting plants, getting grow bags ready for use, starting my seed potatoes, painting, doing laundry and so on. Also in getting a dog. I want Joe to know that I’m able to do my part in taking care of it so it won’t all be on him, especially taking the dog for walks. Staying in bed also takes me back to when I was in the hospital (OSU) where I spent the majority of my day in bed, only getting out to use the bathroom, take occasssional walks with my occupational therapist and that’s about it. Maybe another part is that by morning, I’m so comfortable and warm that I don’t want to give that up so easily. So, in part, it’s also a matter of will. I have to give myself a reason to get out of bed. On this, I will continue to ponder…..

Things are blooming and turning green all over the place. Our neighbor across the street has already cut his grass and trimmed back his forcynthia hedge and it’s not even the end of March. Our hedge is blooming along with the honeysuckle vine that’s trying to take that space over. I think the honeysuckle vine will win eventually.

I have to start thinking about planing my garden. Starting seeds is one of the things I need to do. I should probably do those downstairs with the grow light Joe got me a few years ago. It’s too cold to plant anything now except maybe potatoes, cauliflour, broccoli and kale. As much as I love all those, I’m only going to do potatoes and kale. I forget how many grow bags I have….. I need to know so I can plan accordingly….. I might have tp ask Joe for more grow bags.

So, as it stands with my recovery. I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back instead of moving forward. But, I also feel that I might have been pushing myself a bit too harshly. From here on in, I’m going to try to be gentler with myself.

Good night all!

2/14/24 I went to Walmart…..

So…. yeah, Joe and I went Walmarting tonight. I’m kind of shocked at how they rearranged everything in the store. It’s really not horrible but it took me by surprise. They also no longer have the self check outs with the conveyor belts available for use…. I have a feeling that it has to do with increased shoplifting but maybe I’m wrong.

I have to admit that I feel like I’ve run a marathon. This is only the 2nd time that I’ve been out of the house since I was in the hospital. I am tired, for sure and I hope that this helps me get to sleep tonight. I feel like an old lady with a dowager’s hump on her back. I tend to slouch quite a bit when I’m tired. I’m really embarrassed by my posture now.

One good thing about going with Joe was that I was able to pick up some fresh veggies (tomatoes, peppers, salad mix) so that I can eat some fresh things. I want to start eating better and cut back on all the packaged meals like Hamburger Helper…. please don’t get me wrong…… in a pinch, it’s great… Joe knows how to cook that and beans and rice is good too but I need some fresh food.

Speaking of fresh food….. I’m starting to plan my garden for this year. I’m already planning on starting some potatoes on the patio in the coming weeks, depending on the weather and I’m getting my list together for Burpee. I’m doing a mostly container garden. One thing that I’d love to try is a small ‘Three Sisters’ garden of corn, pole beans and butternut squash. Everything else will be bush beans, zucchini, tomatoes, peppers and various herbs.

I’m so grateful for Joe. I couldn’t have done that shopping by myself at all. I just pushed the cart, helped remember what we needed and when we got to the register (we had to use one of the short self service ones), he ran everything through the scanner and I bagged everything. On the way home, he told me that if it had just been him, he’d still have been at the scanner.

If I wasn’t a ‘spooner’, I am now. I realize now that I have limited energy to do things with and I have to plan accordingly to what I need to do and what I can do. I need to be patient with myself and slowly build myself back to where I want to be (or as close to that as I can…). Near the end of the trip, I couldn’t walk as fast and by the time we got home, I could barely shuffle down the sidewalk….. I have a long way to go. Wish me luck!!

It’s February now….. 2/8/24

My 61st bday has come and gone (Joe got me gouache paints!!!) and I’m still fighting with myself as to getting up in the mornings. My oxygen saturation is getting better…. some days are good, other days aren’t. When I was in the hospital, they wanted it to stay around 90% or better but I can’t keep that going when I’m off the oxygen. When I had my appt with the heart doc this past December, he told me that I could start weaning myself off oxygen but to keep track of my vitals so that I’m not over stressing my heart and lungs.

I’m still using the treadmill most days. Today, I didn’t sleep well so I skipped it for today. I’ll make it up tomorrow. I’m really tired today and my back hurts so I guess I’ll be sleeping on my back tonight.

I’m happy to say that the swelling around my middle seems to be going down slowly. I’m taking the LASIX faithfully as well as drinking dandelion tea twice a day. I read that it helps with liver function. They say that I have cirrhosis of the liver so, in addition to the meds, I’m carefully taking different supplements and teas. I almost died once, I don’t want to do that again for a while.

I’m still sort of hesitant to leave the house yet. I guess I just still feel too vulnerable and fragile to brave the world out there yet. With that in mind, I want to try to go with Joe next week to Walmart. I need to prove to myself that I can handle it.

We had sort of a scare tonight. Joe couldn’t find RJ, our orange tabby cat and found the back door open a crack. RJ loves to open that door when it’s not fully closed and sneak outside. Also, keeping in mind that RJ is about 16 years old now. As luck would have it, the 4th time Joe went out to look for him, he came strolling back onto the patio, probably freaking out a little. We’re both relieved that he came back so quickly and that he’s not hurt (or dead). We’re at 4 cats now…. RJ, Callie, Tessa and my Boo Boo (Hershey). Hershey is hanging in there. He’s got some kind of tenuous cold/sinus thing and bad breath but otherwise, he’s acting like an old man, sleeping a lot, begging me for loves all day and not eating much. I know he needs dental work done but at his age (he’s 14), I’m afraid that he’s die during the surgery due to his age.

Depression has been a monster this time around. I see my body changing in ways that I had never thought it would. I’m losing my hair every time I brush it or wash it and it matts if I don’t brush it out every day. Joe lent me a couple of his bandanas to cover my hair with and practice different ways of wearing them and ordered me a 12 pack of them (coming soon in the mail) as I’m ashamed of how I look now. I do have some rosemary oil in the makings and when that’s all done, both of us will start using it.

I can’t manage to get up earlier than 1:30 pm anymore. My goal is to get up between 8 and 10 am so I have lots of time to walk the treadmill, use my new paints, plan my garden and exercise. I can’t let myself go back to what it had been.

Tomorrow is another day….. wish me luck!!!

1/26/24 Trying to make this daily….

I’ve been avoiding this for a while because I’ve been quite depressed lately. I’ve been getting up later and later every day. The day before yesterday, I got up at 3 PM…. Today, I got up at 1:30 PM. It’s not that I’m sleeping all that badly but because I don’t want to face the day. I keep trying to tempt myself with the idea of painting (watercolor) in the mornings, that it’ll give me more time on the treadmill, I can eat breakfast instead of having an Ensure knock off with my tea. Also, that spending that much time in bed (mostly like 8 PM to whatever time I get up) isn’t good for my back. So far, my self pep talks aren’t reaching me.

One thing that I am doing for my health is drinking dandelion root tea twice a day. It’s supposed to be good for my liver and I’ve been worried about it since I left the hospital. While I’m gladly taking the LASIX to keep me from drowning in my own skin and walking on the treadmill to exercise my heart and wearing the canula for the oxygen at least 18 hours a day (sometimes more…), I’m not really doing much for that part pf me. The dandelion root tea actually tastes almost like the green tea that I used to drink every day. I do add lots of honey to it though….. it’s really bitter.

My hair continues to abandon me every time I brush it. I’m considering asking Joe to order me some chemo type head coverings or at least more bandanas that I can cover my slowly balding head with. I don’t hold much hope for my hair to grow back much, if any. The bad thing is that my hair is so fragile now that it matts up if you have a bad thought. I have to brush it out every day to keep it matt free and that just makes it fall out all the faster. So, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I am proud of how I’ve stuck to walking on the treadmill though. I walk most days while my tea is steeping (about 4-6 minutes at 1.6 MPH) and I’m trying to keep that up twice a day. Some days are better than others so some days I do more, some days, I don’t do it at all.

It’s been over a month since I’ve been out of the house (that was for my doctor’s appointment). There’s a part of me that fears leaving the house. I feel vulnerable because of my still weak body and my need for oxygen. I can go without it for a good 12-15 hours with no real ill effects but it still makes me feel fragile and vulnerable. I do want to go to Walmart with Joe this coming Monday though. I think I can manage a couple of hours pushing a cart around. And we have the rollator in the car if I need it.

Well, I guess that’s all for now. It’s getting late so I think that I’m going to just get ready for bed now. Hopefully, I’ll feel more ready to ‘face the day’ tomorrow.

Good night!

Just a little catch up…..

I thought I’d use this post to sort of catch up on the past 2 years with some highlights, more for my own benefit than anything.

We’re down to 4 cats now. Since 2020, we’ve lost Neve, Heidi (yeah, she was a dog but still a member of the family…), Miles, Ethan, and Amanda. Ethan and Amanda, we had to take in to be put down and Miles passed on at the vet’s office. Bliss, our one and only outdoor cat, disappeared. Probably she was a victim of a bobcat or feral dog. Joe found black fur in the woods behind our house.

We’re down to Callie, Hershey, RJ and Tessa. They’re all fairly healthy so we’re hoping that we won’t lose any of them this year. Except for Callie, they’re all in double digits…. RJ is the old man of the cat family at 15, Tessa might be older than that so we’re calling her at 16 and Hershey is 14. Callie will be 10 this spring. The house feels so empty without all the other animals. It took less than a day for Hershey and Callie to warm back up to me after I returned home from the hospital. I was very much surprised at that. In the past, when I went away on vacation, it took my other cats (from another lifetime) more than a week to finally forgive me for being away before they would sleep with me or let me pet them. Now, Callie and Hershey are more or less my constant bed buddies. They sleep there most of the time and usually only leave to eat, use the litter box or take advantage of a sunny window in the living room.

Since I’ve been home, it’s been difficult to get up before noon. I don’t know if it’s depression or what. I don’t sleep well either. I also noticed that I’m gaining weight in spite of being back on meds. I don’t have to weigh myself, I can feel the weight gain. When I was in the hospital, I ate a lot, laid around and still lost 2 pounds a week. I need to be accountable to myself regarding what I eat and when I get up so, starting tomorrow, I’m going to try to get up no later than 9 am.

Food wise, I haven’t been too picky about what I’ve been eating. Until I get stronger, Joe’s been taking over most of the cooking. For Christmas Eve and Christmas, I made lasagna (there was enough for both days). Tonight, we’re having Hamburger Helper. I know I should be eating more veggies and far less pasta but at this point, since Joe’s only going shopping every 3 weeks, I’m happy with what we have. I’m trying to think of recipes that I can make that aren’t so carb heavy.

Things are slowly coming together. Joe helped me bring up clothes, books, yarn and various other things to help me make this room my own….. I’m staying in his Mom’s old room and it’s still sort of full of her things so I’m slowly making the transformation from it being her room to being mine. I was having trouble with my back so he kindly changed out her old mattresses for my mattress/box spring. I was shocked to learn that for years, his mom was sleeping on 2 mattresses instead of a mattress/box spring. No wonder her back was killing her!! Once I got back to my old mattress, my back felt so much better.

I guess that’s all for now. My mind has turned into a big blank and I’m tired so I’m going to lay down until dinner is ready. One advantage to me not cooking is that I get to nap before dinner!!!!